What I’ve Learnt About Men

Things Men Show When the Lights Go Low

A Level Playing Field

Out in the world, status matters. Power, wealth, reputation, success: these things shape how a man is seen and how he moves through life. But in the bedroom, they count for very little. When a man stands before a woman in complete vulnerability, stripped of titles and achievements, what remains is simply who he is. The boardroom fades away. The bank balance disappears. The armour comes off. And once all of that is gone, what truly matters is what he brings to the moment (or rather, to the mattress). His presence, his passion, and his willingness to connect; these are the true marks of a man.

The man delivering pizzas can carry the same anxieties as the esteemed politician. The young student at the beginning of his career often shares the very same insecurities as the multimillionaire at the height of his success. When it comes to intimacy, men are far more alike than they realise.

They wonder if their bodies are enough.

They question whether they are pleasing their partner.

They quietly ask themselves if the pleasure they see is genuine.

Some disguise these fears well. Others soften them with experience. But beneath it all, there seems to be a shared masculine vulnerability; a universal desire to be accepted, desired, and reassured.

From what I’ve observed, sexual confidence has very little to do with your career, social standing, the plaques on the wall, the zeroes in your bank account, or even your looks. When it comes to lovemaking, the playing field is remarkably level. The way I see it, all men are made equal except for two defining traits: the capacity for passion, and the desire to give as much as one receives.

The Fragility of the Male Ego

In public life, many men appear strong, confident, and unshakeable. Yet in intimate moments, even the most assured man can become surprisingly sensitive. The slightest hint of something being not quite right, can take the wind right out of a man’s sails, and the wood right out of his umm... tree. A small comment, an unintended criticism, or even a gentle suggestion can sometimes feel deeply personal. What appears trivial may be received as a profound judgment of his worth or ability.

A throw-away phrase like, “ooh babe, you’re on my hair,” or “can we try something different now?” can be enough to shatter his entire libido. And heaven forbid his partner doesn’t achieve orgasm within the timeframe that he’d expect. Suddenly he assumes that it’s because of some fundamental lack of skill on his part. No, men are not immune to self-doubt when it comes to intimacy.

But here is my gentle reassurance: a private encounter should be the last place you feel pressure to perform. Intimacy is not an audition, and connection cannot flourish under scrutiny. Allow yourself to relax. Allow yourself to be human. Two people discovering one another will not always move in perfect harmony straight away, and that is entirely natural. Hiccups are par for the course. When she says you’re on her hair, it’s just a gentle prompt. It’s not meant to be harsh, so please pay it no mind, and keep doing everything else you’re doing. Open communication, kindness, and a sense of humour, smooth these small imperfections far better than anxiety ever could.

What I’ve learned is that men require, and deserve, the same tenderness and sensitivity that women have long asked of them. It takes courage to reveal one’s desires and pursue closeness with another person. The least we can offer each other is patience and care.

There Are Often Two Sides to Every Story

Over time, I’ve met many men in complex situations, particularly those navigating troubled relationships. While I never claim to judge or justify their choices, I’ve observed that many seek outside connection because something essential is missing at home. Often it is not purely physical desire, but a longing for affection, warmth, and emotional closeness. An oasis of calm and tenderness, amidst a storm of chaos and stress. Maybe they just want a lady to smile at them; someone who doesn’t look at them with disdain and resentment; someone who’s actually happy to see them when they walk through the door. Sometimes they simply want to feel welcomed, appreciated, or desired again. While I don’t condone it, I do understand it.

Of course, there are exceptions; those driven by entitlement rather than loneliness. But they are far less common than one might assume. What this work has taught me is not cynicism, but compassion. It has revealed the delicate and complicated nature of trust within relationships, and the deep human need for connection that exists within us all. Despite the harsh realities I’ve witnessed, my faith in love and partnership remains very much intact.

A Transformation Through Connection

Remember that Snickers advert? “You’re not you when you’re hungry.” Well a man is not himself when he’s horny. I have noticed a remarkable change that occurs in many men before and after intimacy. It’s actually quite uncanny. Nothing brings out the best in a man like sex.

Initially, many arrive guarded, understandably nervous, cautious, and unsure. Meeting someone new in such a vulnerable context can be daunting. Walls go up, defences remain strong, and connection may feel tentative.

Yet after genuine intimacy, something softens. Tension melts away. Conversation flows easily. Warmth replaces distance. The guarded stranger becomes open, affectionate, and relaxed, as though a weight has been lifted. It’s as though the steaminess of the sex has thawed their once icy exterior.

There is something deeply restorative about feeling desired and connected. It soothes the mind, eases burdens, and brings out a gentler side of human nature. Intimacy, at its best, is not merely physical. It is a quiet transformation of the spirit.

Taking a Page from a Man’s Book

Perhaps the greatest lesson men have taught me is the value of focusing on one’s own growth rather than comparison with others. Men often celebrate one another’s successes with remarkable generosity. Another man’s achievements rarely diminish their sense of self. There is a quiet confidence in this mindset; an understanding that another’s strengths do not negate one’s own. It is a perspective I greatly admire.

Women, I have noticed, may be a little more prone to envy. In our competitiveness, we can sometimes feel the need to tear other women down in order to build ourselves up. Maybe it’s because there’s more room at the top for men. More resources for men, means less threat. But we as women should be helping each other and lifting each other up. Envy only robs us of our own happiness.

From observing and admiring men, I’ve learned to focus my energy on becoming the best version of myself, rather than measuring my worth against others. Someone else’s beauty, success, or desirability does not lessen my own. This is especially true for the sex industry. There will always be another escort who is prettier, smarter, sexier, and willing to do more for less. But growth is personal. Worth is individual. And we are all enough, exactly as we are.

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I still have much to learn about men, but thank you all for teaching me a thing or two.

I do love to learn.

Jasmine x