Times When I Suck: Confessions of an Imperfect Escort

Ten Ways I’ll Ruin Your Fantasy... Flaws, Foibles & Other Fatal Attractions

You could be thinking one of two things when you read that title, depending entirely on whether your mind lives above or below the belt.

If you’re feeling a little naughty, you may be bracing yourself for a salacious tale about my enthusiasm for oral pleasures. Sorry, gentlemen… not today. (Another time, perhaps). What I’m actually talking about is sucking in the metaphorical sense. Those moments when I don’t quite live up to the glossy fantasy of the perfect escort.

Which naturally raises the question: Why on earth would I write about that? Has Jasmine finally lost the plot? The jury’s still out on that one.

You’re used to reading profiles drenched in superlatives. Perfect bodies, smouldering eyes, effortless charm, irresistible allure. I may or may not possess some of these qualities (I’ll let you decide), but like every escort, I’ve had to learn the art of praising myself with confidence and flair. It didn’t come naturally. Self-criticism has always come a little more easily than confidence. Yet somewhere along the way, I discovered something surprising: there is power (pleasure, even), in naming your virtues. In owning them and celebrating them. We should acknowledge all of the things that make us beautiful. If not as a marketing ploy, then as an act of self-love. And if not to the public, then at least to ourselves.

When you first stumbled across my profile, you probably read about my assets, my warmth, my attentiveness, my service. Some of you have already met me and experienced those things firsthand. But this blog is about the other side of the coin. My limits. My quirks. The ways in which I am not-so-girlfriend material. All of the gloriously, stubbornly imperfect ways. Not to diminish myself, but to be honest. I’m not a two-dimensional creation. I am multifaceted. A wise green ogre once said, “there’s a lot more to escorts than people think. Escorts are like onions. Escorts have layers.” I think that’s more or less what he said.

Once upon a time, in my teens, I wasn’t especially kind to myself. I stood in front of mirrors and catalogued my flaws. Now? I am my own favourite company. I find myself interesting, smart, and yes, sexy. Being able to say that is growth. Real growth. These things would have been quite impossible for me to even utter just a few years ago. But now I barely flinch as I sing my own praises from my little corner of the internet.

And it’s precisely because I’m secure in who I am that I can now laugh at myself and find humour in a little deprecation. It's why I'm now choosing to write a blog that might on paper look like a terrible marketing decision. But honesty has always been my currency, consequences be damned! So here goes. An honest inventory of my shortcomings. The parts of me I would never put in the ad. The reasons why I’m not for everyone... and why that’s kinda the point.

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1. My Deep, Unrelenting Hatred of Stockings

I despise them. I loathe them. I curse the person who invented them (it was a man by the way).

They are impractical and fiddly, they tear as soon as I touch them, they irritate my thighs, and it's impossible to secure the back of them into a suspender belt without twisting a muscle. They are instruments of pure torture. I have worn them on request, dutifully and politely, while silently resenting every second. These days, if you ask nicely, I may still comply, but I’ll probably attempt to wriggle my way out of it first. Call me difficult. Just so long as you don’t make me wear the bloody things! They are the bane of my existence.

2. What’s a Poker Face?

I literally do not know how to hide my emotions. They announce themselves loudly all over my face. Sexually, this can be a great thing for an escort. My passion cannot be contained; it pours out of me like lava. There will be no mistaking my lust and hunger for you, and this is sure to turn you on. But on the flip side, I also can’t hide my passion when someone reveals themselves to be cruel, sexist, racist, or unkind. I’m sweet, but I’m not silent. And I may bite my lip, but I won’t bite my tongue.

3. The Many Moods of Jasmine

I’m not always a ray of sunshine. In fact, Cyclone Jasmine is a force to be reckoned with! I require sleep, solitude, and moderation. This is why I don’t work nights, or disappear for weekenders. I like my space and I need my alone time. I feel suffocated if I go too long without it. Trust me when I say, small bite-sized pieces of Jasmine are the sweetest!

4. Party Pooper Energy

As an escort, it might be considered impolite to turn down a beverage that has been kindly purchased by a client. Sometimes I will accept it, and I will gingerly sip at it throughout the booking. But the truth is that I just don’t really want it. I don’t like to drink alcohol while I’m working. Now I’m definitely not a body-is-my-temple kind of girl. I love a Double Quarter Pounder as much as the next person, and I’ve certainly put worse things in my body than a glass of wine. But my logic is that if I’m going to indulge, it had better be for something yummy… like ice-cream or chocolate. I’d rather not waste my calorie intake on alcohol. I also don't partake in extracurricular "party favours." I like to have a firm hold on all of my faculties. Perhaps that makes me a bit of a wet blanket. Too bad.

5. You Truly Can’t Take Me Anywhere

Corporate dinners, group settings, small talk, politics, wine pairings... I will wilt like a neglected rose. I’m shy, awkward, and deeply introverted in group environments.  It’s simply not my natural habitat and I’ll feel like a total fish out of water. Where I shine is one-on-one, naked, behind closed doors, where intimacy lives. That’s where I want to be with you, just the two of us. And please don’t take me to the cinema or theatre unless sitting in comfortable silence is what you have in mind. I’m drawn to imagination and escapism, and once a story begins, I can’t help but become incredibly immersed in it (often to the oblivion of everyone and everything around me). You pay handsomely for this time with me; let’s spend it in ways where my attention is all yours.

6. My Lips Don't Work on Command

In the bedroom, I’m pretty good at doing what I’m told. But I’m not very good at saying what I'm instructed to say. Don’t tell me to tell you to fuck me. It feels silly. I'm not a parrot. If I say something in the moment, it’s because I mean it; don’t try to put words in my mouth. I won’t be mindless for you. My lips move in response to my own brain, not in response to yours. If you want me to be a bit more vocal during sex, I’m very open to that. Ask me what I like, or ask me how it feels. Don’t tell me what my answers should be, because my lips will be zipped.

I'm also not into roleplay. It feels contrived and inauthentic to me, and I’m an atrocious actress. If you attempt to pull me into roleplay on the spur-of-the-moment, I’ll gently lead us elsewhere.

And there are two phrases I don’t echo back: “I love you” and “I miss you.” Those belong to my personal world and they mean a great deal to me. I can tell you that I had a wonderful time or that I’m looking forward to seeing you again, and I will genuinely mean it. But I can’t bring myself to use those two phrases, even in service of the fantasy.

7. I Am the Fashion Police

An escort should be happy to accommodate outfit and lingerie requests, but there are times when I simply can’t fall in line. I’m a girlie girl. Part of my identity is how I present myself and what I wear, and over the years I’ve developed a strong personal style. I’m keenly attuned to what flatters my body type.

I know you want what you want, and you do pay good money to get it, but sometimes a lady knows best. I’m often asked to wear a mini skirt, fishnets, or a corset… and sometimes all three together. To me, that’s slutty, not sexy. Other women (in other bodies) can pull it off, but it looks cheap on me, and I refuse to veer that far from who I truly am. Confidence is my best accessory, and it only works when I feel like myself.

I’m stubborn, I know, but the way I choose to present myself has never disappointed a man yet (at least, not that I’m aware of). That stubborn streak really peaks when I receive requests for things like fake tan, fake nails, or fake eyelashes. To me, these are unreasonable demands. If I have to change that much before I live up to your ideal of beauty, then perhaps I’m not the right companion for you.

8. Her Royal Highness, Princess Jasmine

For an escort, I can be surprisingly selfish in the bedroom. I adore being spoilt, and I could happily receive far more foreplay than I give in return. This suits some gentlemen beautifully. Others… less so. What can I say? I love to be pampered. I didn't choose a Princess name for no reason.

9. I'm a One-Hit Wonder

I’m an escort, this is my work, but sometimes my clients would swear that they’re the ones being put to work. I can take a long time to climax. Only the bravest and most persistent warrior dares take on this challenge. It can take a tonne of patience, but I've been told it’s worth the wait to witness. The intensity of my orgasms definitely matches the effort required to unleash them. Unfortunately, I don’t collect them like trophies. One, maybe two, is plenty for me. This may disappoint some men, but for me, it's quality over quantity, always. As the great Bard once said, “even the sweetest honey can be loathsome in its own deliciousness.” Everything in moderation.

10. My Time Is Sacred

There are two things I have very little flexibility in: My legs and my schedule. I can compensate for my inflexible legs by trying all kinds of inventive positions, but I can’t do much to improve my inflexibility with time. In this respect, I'm a truly terrible escort. I can’t offer spontaneity, and I can’t conveniently show up whenever you get a hankering for a little quality time with me. I have fixed hours that I work each week. They’re set in stone, Excalibur-style, because my studies are my number one priority. I know I should place more emphasis on catering to the customer (this is a service industry, after all) but I also enjoy taking full advantage of being the boss.

I don’t take last-minute or same-day bookings anymore. I won’t sit around at my incall apartment making myself available on the off-chance someone decides on a whim that they’d like to see me. No way. I’m too busy banging down the door of my goals to waste time so flippantly. I plan my life carefully, and escorting fits into it, not the other way around. If that frustrates you, I understand. You might want sex spur-of-the-moment, when the hunger strikes, but I simply don’t operate that way.

I live over an hour away from my incall residence. What do you think the chances are that I’m getting out of bed at midnight and driving all that way just because you’ve begged me at the drop of a hat? Slim to none. No amount of money is worth that disruption, not when I have to be up at 6am for class the next day, and not when I’d have to explain to my family where I’ve run off to in the middle of the night. If I made exceptions for everyone who pleaded, I’d have no life outside of escorting at all. I realise this may sound entitled, but I see clients when it suits me, not the other way around. The pussy has the power, after all.

Come hell or high water, I will never work on Sundays. Not even if you offered to buy me a small island for my troubles. Sunday is family day. No exceptions. The same goes for being fully booked. You might be a regular and we might have a great rapport, but this boundary is non-negotiable. If I say I’m fully booked, it means I’ve reached my quota. I’m maxed out; the absolute upper limit of sex I’m prepared to have that day. So no, I won’t just “drop by” on my way home. If you wanted me that badly, you should have reserved a timeslot in advance. When I’m finished for the day, that’s it. The lights are off, nobody’s home, Jasmine has left the building.

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If you’ve made it this far and haven’t run screaming, then perhaps you’re exactly my kind of person.

My bedroom is a safe space for quirks, honesty, and unpolished humanity. I want you to always feel that you can be your uncensored, unfiltered, authentic self with me.

There is beauty in imperfection, so let’s explore ours together!

Yours (flaws and all),

Jasmine x